Because then, the Airline passengers win

Terrorism sucks. And clearly, death, torture and incarceration are not deterrents to terrorists. But after having battled my way through the bureaucratic maze that is flying in the post-9/11 world, I have a new suggested tactic for the Department of Homeland Security and its non-American fellow terror-fighters.

Inconvenience the terrorists. I supply the following tactics as a possible yet incomplete list of ways to eradicate terrorism in the 21st century:

• Make the terrorists wait in a line
  
• deny them the ability to bring water through the airport
  
• overcharge them for any water they do purchase
• make them remove their laptops, keys, cellphones, jackets, nose rings and Pokemon cards, placing them each in a separate plastic bin that you must carry
• make them individually bag every semi-fluid item they own
• search their luggage and make them repack everything
  
• make them walk 20m barefoot while holding 26 different items
• have a 300 lb. guy with ass-breath frisk them
  
• make them wait in a check-in line
• make them wait in a security line
• make them wait in passport line
• make them wait in a passport line in Italy
• fly them somewhere random and have them miss their connection
• have them stand waiting in a helpline, then after an hour, tell them they're in the wrong line, then give them bad directions to the new line; repeat
  
• overcharge them for a calling card
  
• give them the wrong number for customer service to rebook their flight
• give them another wrong number
• give them a phone recording in a foreign language
• give them a broken pay phone in noisy, sweaty balls airport
  
• overcharge; for everything. Repeat as necessary.
• All the while, hide a glimmer of hope just around the corner
  

Yes, this is the cure for terrorism. I don't meant to make light of torture or imply that the real victims of terror are inconvenienced airline passengers: they're not. People who get killed or wounded are victims.

I'm just saying that if you imprison or torture or kill a terrorist, they become heroes and martyrs, and get exactly what they wanted in the first place. But turn Guantanamo bay into an foreign airport and make people wander around, waiting in long lines and being misdirected and make everyone rude and incompetent and give them all heavy baggage and make some ridiculous rules and deny them air conditioning and showers and reasonably priced newspapers, and I guarantee terrorism will disappear.

Occasionally, though, we should let them go. Let them get through all the hassle, get them onto a plane, and let them go... to another airport and repeat the process.

The Bush Administration calls it 'Extraordinary Rendition'. I call it 'a connecting flight.'