Top Jewish Sports Franchises, Part I

The dawn of a new year means one thing: lists. People just luuuuuuuv their stupid lists. I think VH1 has made a whole channel devoted to lists. E! fills half their airtime with dippy lists. It is as if executives created a formula that balances 1) the least expensive format of tv show they can produce that will generate 2) the highest possible ratings for the 1pm on a Wednesday time slot. And voila! "40 worst celebrity Hairstyle faux-paus" is born!

Nonetheless, I feel compelled, nay, forced like a moth to a flame, to create a list of the top Jewish sports franchises. You'll see below that my criteria are amorphous, possibly biased, inconsistent, and even inane. But I'm right, and 50 years from now, people will say what a frikkin genius I was. BTW, I had to try to spell 'genius' three times before I got it right.

15. (tie) Washington Capitols and NY Rangers
OK, so first of all, it's hockey. Most of the athletes are toothless musclebound thugs from Saskatoon. A yeshiva it's not. But the Caps are owned by Abe Polin, and he donates a lot to the Jews. And the Rangers once had Defenseman Matheiu Schneider on the back line, plus they play in Manhattan, a stone's throw from good bagels.

13. Miami Dolphins
The old folks in Boca probably watch whatever is on TV at the retirement home regardless of it's entertainment value: I'm guessing between a Matlock rerun or the Dolphins in the Super Bowl, the Yiddish speaking community strongly endorses Andy Griffith. On the plus side, Jay Fiedler was their QB for, like, a year, until the Fish figured out that he sucked. They also had Dan Marino, who's Italian, and Italians are like Jews with better food. So Jewish Town + Jewish QB= 13th on my list. Once the altecockers start caring, they might move to, like, 11th.

12. Brandeis University Mens Basketball
They suck because they play in D. III. And being that suffering is a very Jewish thing, sucking should be a required prerequisite for the Jewishness of your sports team. But it's probably the pinnacle of NCAA competition for a predominantly Jewish college. Of course, they only seem to have one Jew on the team.

11. San Francisco 49ers

The only reason they make it is due to Harris Barton, their Left Tackle from 1987-1996. Besides being a hell of a player who protected Joe Montana and Steve Young, Barton is famous for one of my favorite Judaism and sports anecdotes. Apocryphal or not, the story goes that before a big game, the Niners brought in a minister to lead the team in prayer. Not wanting to exclude their Jewish lineman, at the the conclusion of the prayer, Barton was asked if he would like to add a blessing from his tradition. Barton looked down nervously, wracked his brain, and
then proceeded to pray, "Baruch Atah HaShem, Elokeinu Melech haolam, hamotzi lechem min haaretz."

10. Ajax (Amsterdam, Soccer)
This might come as news to many, but this team's nickname is 'The Jews'. And I for one am all for it. If I was Irish, I'd be psyched by the mascot of Notre Dame, and if I was Native American, I might even like U. of Illinois or Florida. This is the closest we get. They apparently got this name because the stadium was in Amsterdam's Jewish quarter and the supporters keep it as a point of pride. A little weird, but I'll take it.

More to come...